20 Things I'd Like to Say About...

1. Stop being a "cute couple." Please.
2. Learn to identify the difference between a carnation and a rose.
3. Dressing up today does not increase your chances of having a valentine.
4. It's fine to oppose all of the corporate bullshit of the "holiday" and still want to receive presents.
5. It's perfectly okay to wish you had a special someone today only to be naughty with.
6. Some of the best valentine's days are the ones spent with friends who will actually love you and be there for you when you need someone.
7. February 14th is just another day of the year.
8. If you're not single don't gloat about it.
9. Secretly hate those couples.
10. It's okay to secretly wish you were part of one of those couples.
11. Feelings are gross.
12. Feelings aren't actually gross.
13. Today is one of the few days were any online shopping will not be regrettable. (Until you check you bank statement.)
14. Tomorrow will be a better day. So much chocolate will be on sale.
15. Offer to be everyone and anyone's valentine.
16. Take advantage of anyone you know that has baked or purchased candy to celebrate today.
17. Decorate more!
18. Bring up the origins of said holiday.
19. Tell the people who are important to you that you love them.
20. Happy Valentine's Day!

Chest Cavity

Oh Valentine's Day. Here we are. Old Enemies. I've been broken up with on you, spent you alone and hated everyone who celebrates you. I hate the corporations of pagan holidays. I really do. I'm all for having a fertility festival in which I get whipped with goat hide. It sounds like a good time. If you have someone to spend the day with, enjoy it. If you don't, you can be rightly cynical or just not give a fuck. It's your choice. In my opinion, cynicism is always more fun. [photo credit.]

Enemy of Love

There is love, of course. And then there's life, its enemy. ~ Jean Anouilh

20 Things I'd Like To Say About...

1. When texting the person of interest, use correct grammar.
  Do: I like you.
  Don't: i think u fine.
2. When sexting, know that you should just stop.
3. If you're trying to impress someone, dress like it.
4. Acting stupid will only get you the attention of stupid people.
  Don't: "I hate books."
5. Compliments are a sure fire way to anyone's heart.
   Do: "You look beautiful today."
6. If you don't try, you'll never know what could happen.
7. Unless you're an escort, don't do it at work.
8. Be genuine.
9. When said person's parents are around, is the wrong time.
10. Don't be explicit with someone you aren't dating.
   Don't: "Girl-who-I'm-not-dating, I'd like to forcefully insert my $!#@$% into your @#^!#(*^%."
11. Smile.
12. Be a little obvious.
  Do: "I think you're swell."
  Don't: "I'm flirting with you!"
13. Being quirky is endearing, being creepy is... well just that.
  Do: "Aardvark babies are adorable!"
  Don't: "I follow you home from work every Tuesday, Thursday and Friday night."
14. Speak with the person of interest about things they like. Sometimes that means Googling microbiology or Japanese woodblock prints.
15. Listen to what they have to say. Maybe the time you're spending isn't even worth it.
16. Have confidence. If you don't think your worth it neither will he or she.
17. Be spontaneous.
   Do: "I'm going to get some coffee. Do you want to accompany me?"
18. Humor is great for making a good impression on someone and for covering up your own awkwardness.
19. When in a previous described situation, feel free to substitute my awkward wording to sound like a regular person.
20. Don't mention that I give you your flirting advice.
   Do: "I'm awesome all by myself!"
   Don't: "You read Abstract and Obstruct, right? NO? Well that's where I learned to flirt."

How to Abstract and Obstruct Your Valentine's Day

Right now you're probably thinking:

Oh wow! Kristen is so awesome. I bet she's doing something great on Valentine's Day!

To which I will reply:

Nope!

I'm working on Valentine's Day. I'm covering a shift for one of my co workers. I'm assuming she is going out for dinner with a potential love interest but she also might be sitting in her room sobbing on the 14th. Let's hope the former.
My Valentine's Day will most likely consist of me watching horror movies and eating sushi. I would most likely turn down a date because it will suck and I'd love to hand out these cards to my special someones. Assuming you're like me (a cynic, single, awesome or all of the above) you will enjoy my take on Valentine's Day.

20 Things I'd Like to Say About Flirting
Enemy of Love
Chest Cavity
20 Things I'd Like to Say About Flirting

Love,
Kristen